What Not To Do On A Mission
by PeinSaku
Summary: Hello, my fellow shinobi. If you are reading this, then you must be preparing to embark upon your first mission. These simple guidelines were created to ensure the safety of your charge, your teammates, and yourself, so please do your best to follow them. Take, for example, Rule No. 26: If your teammate says "duck", he or she does not mean that a duck is passing by.


To Whom This May Concern:

Hello, my fellow shinobi. My name shall remain secret for now, for I am an elite ANBU and Hunter-nin; therefore, I would have many enemies at my throat should it ever become known.

If you are reading this, then you must be preparing to embark on your first mission or your first _important_ mission. These simple guidelines are easy to understand, and familiarizing yourself with them will aid you in your duties.

Please keep in mind that these rules are in no way meant to bind you with a leash; they were created to ensure the safety of your charge, your teammates, and yourself. Do not attempt to purposely execute any of the following forbidden acts, for it may endanger your life or the lives of those around you. It has been proven by incompetent ninja time and time again that breaking these guidelines can be deadly, so please do your best to follow them.

Thank you.

Shinobi-san

* * *

1. Do not strike up conversations with yourself. Your teammates may believe you are communicating with an enemy shinobi hidden by a cloaking jutsu, and begin firing weapons in every direction. They may even execute you for 'treason' and 'to keep top-secret information from the enemy'.

2. Do not play with your weapons. They are sharp, and you _will_ die if you fall on one.

3. Do not use your teammate(s) for target practice.

4. Do not _pretend_ to use your teammate(s) for target practice. They may attack and/or kill you.

5. Do not attempt or pretend to use your client for target practice.

6. Do not play 'chicken' and see who can hold out their katana the longest in a tree during a lightning storm.

7. Do not yell "Akatsuki" if no Akatsuki members are nearby. Your teammates may go into a frenzy or fire off weapons blindly. (As noted before, blindly launching weapons in dangerous.)

8. Do not attack your teammates with the intention of sparring unless you specify so. They may assume you are working for the enemy.

9. Do not sneak around the campsite in the middle of the night. The consequences should be obvious.

10. If you and your teammates are surrounded by the enemy, do not beg to join your enemy (unless it is a ruse you planned out with your comrades beforehand, in which case it is perfectly suitable). Even if the enemy agrees, your teammates will kill you.

11. Killing your client is strictly forbidden.

12. Killing your teammates is _also_ strictly forbidden.

13. Do not pretend to be dead and then jump up to scare your teammates. They may stab you as an instinctual reaction.

14. Do not attempt to perform medical ninjutsu on your teammates or client unless you are a qualified med-nin. Doing so could result in oddly-shaped limbs or unnatural deformities.

15. Pushing your client off a cliff and telling him/her to climb their way back up with his/her chakra will most likely kill him/her.

16. Do not tell your enemy you are an ANBU, ANBU Root, Hunter-nin, Sennin, or Kage. (If you _were_ one, you wouldn't be reading this.) They will kill you or attempt to make you join them. And when (not _if_) you refuse, they will kill you.

17. When you and your teammates are walking across a large body of water, do not yell "shark". Most likely, they will high-tail it to the other side, and you will be eaten by a real shark while laughing at them.

18. If you encounter the Akatsuki, do not taunt them. It may be tempting to call them names based on their odd appearances, but _do not do it_.

19. Do not scrape the irises of your teammate's eyes in order to 'give him/her the Byakugan'.

20. Should you ever run into Uchiha Sasuke and/or Team Taka, do not speak about your "fond memories of your days of being Uchiha Itachi's lover". (It is especially dangerous if you are male.)

21. If you encounter the Akatsuki, do not tell them you enjoyed blowing the money you "stole" from Kakuzu (even if you really _did_ steal money from him). You probably will not live for much longer.

22. Paper bombs are not toys.

23. If you see a bottle labeled "Deadly Poison: Do Not Open", it is a deadly poison. Do not open it.

24. The 'small stick things' in your weapons pouch are _not_, in fact, ear cleaners. They are senbon. They are weapons. That is why they are in your _weapons pouch_.

25. If your enemy throws a lightning-style jutsu at you, do not block it with a metal weapon. (See Number 6 if you do not understand.)

26. If your teammate says "duck", he or she does not mean that a duck is passing by.

27. Do not confuse smoke/poison pellets with food pellets.

28. When a tornado is coming through, do not throw a fire-style jutsu at it. You will only make things worse.

29. "Danger: Bridge Unstable. Do Not Cross" does not mean "Cross This Bridge".

30. When an explosive goes off nearby, do not stop and stare at the pretty colors.

31. Do not jump out of a tree and attempt to walk on air with your chakra like you can with water. It will not work.

32. Telling the Kage of a neighboring land to "fuck off" is not a good idea.

33. If you throw weapons and jutsu wildly in another village, their ANBU _will_ kill you.

34. Disguising yourself as an enemy shinobi and pretending to kidnap your client/teammate/an innocent bystander as a prank will get you killed by your allies.

35. Shinobi are often required to deceive their enemies through bluffing. Be sure that your bluffs are believable. "Hey, look; a distraction!" does not count as believable.

36. Do not pretend to be close friends with your enemy if you are under attack. Even if your teammate(s) recognize(s) it as a bluff, the enemy you claim to know will obviously know better as well. This will result in torture and/or death.

37. If your enemy renders you defenseless and holds a weapons to your throat, do not start criticizing his/her mother.

38. If a stranger offers you a drink or something to eat and said stranger is obviously an enemy shinobi, Do. Not. Take. It.

39. If your chakra nature is fire, jumping into a volcano will _not_ — contrary to popular belief — make your fire-style ninjutsu abilities stronger.

40. There is a reason genin are not assigned S-Ranked missions. If you are a genin (which you most likely are), do not steal an S-Ranked mission scroll and go on said mission.

41. If you get into an argument with a shinobi from another land, do not claim that you will "bring an army and come beat the crap out of" said shinobi. He/She will most likely report it to his/her Kage as a declaration of war.

42. Never set up camp in the same place twice; doing so increases your chance of being ambushed by the enemy.

43. If you and your teammates are fleeing from the enemy and set up camp for the night, do not build a fire. The smoke will lead your enemies right to you.

44. If you are in the Wind Country and a sandstorm blows in, do not continue on through it. You may get lost in the desert and eventually die of dehydration.

45. Do not make a copy of these guidelines, pass them out to your comrades, and see who can break the most of said guidelines.

46. If your mission requires that you retrieve goods and deliver them to your client, do not keep the goods for yourself.

47. Do not attempt to walk up a tree/on water if you are incapable of doing so. _Especially_ do not bring your client with you when doing so.

48. If your client is captured by the enemy, use all means necessary to get him/her back safely. "In three pieces, but still alive" does not qualify as "safely".

49. If your client is a civilian, do not attempt to teach him/her how to do jutsu or throw weapons.

50. If you are a genin and going on your very first mission, DO NOT GO TO UZUMAKI NARUTO FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO COMPLETE YOUR MISSION IN THE COOLEST WAY POSSIBLE.


End file.
